As I lay in bed this morning, my body hurt from exhaustion. I’m sleep deprived, which is bad news for someone who suffers from depression. I’m frustrated with the way my new semester is going. I’m still recovering from a pretty gnarly bout of PMDD. And I absolutely do not want to get out of bed.
The internal struggle was real. I was coming up with different game plans, ways I could avoid my responsibilities and not feel like a total slacker. The benefit of being an over achiever on the surface is that I can slack off and still look like I’m keeping up. It was decided. I was going to stay in bed, blow off class, and try to get more sleep.
Except, I didn’t. School is important to me. I know that. Even as I’m telling myself that it doesn’t matter, I know below this layer of fog and exhaustion and apathy that it does. So I got my ass out of bed. I put my hair up, and it looked stupid. And I thought,”Screw it. I’m going back to bed. Even my hair is against me going.”
But I didn’t go back to bed. I went to school. Eff you, depression. You don’t get to make my decisions or sabotage me. Not today.
I don’t know what tomorrow will be like. I don’t know how I will feel. But I do know I’ll be able to tell myself, “if you did it yesterday, you can do it today.” And some days, that’s all I’ve got in me. Today, I win.